Response: Columbary

Sunrise Roadshow Era (#003)
June 11th, 2021

I went on to college immediately after graduating high school in 2018, releasing my first ever full album that same summer.

At that moment I finally entered what was going to be the craziest time of my life – meeting some of my best friends, entering a relationship, and experiencing the world outside of my hometown. I entered a two-year long program for music, one I chose over a four-year program at a university I had my eyes on since I was 12.

In those two years, my life changed significantly – I was performing my own music for the first time in my life, writing some of my best, growing up, and living an honest adult life. But one dreadful thought constantly loomed over me:

“You’re going to grow up to become nothing.”

While I was enjoying my life, even at its lowest point in 2019, I was regularly filled with dread from the idea that I was putting all my energy into music to become exactly that – nothing.

“Columbary” takes the theme of feeling that the world was a distant image, one you would want to escape to and finally experience yourself, and also became the most literal song in Sunrise Roadshow.

In 2019, I felt like I was stuck – beginning what would become my most successful project since starting music, I still felt like I was not achieving as much as I could have been. I slowly fell into an emotional pit of not knowing what to write, living a balance between class and a job, coming out of a lonely summer where I hardly saw my friends.

During that time, I was changing entirely before I even noticed. My relationship ended in February of 2019, which brought about the first time in six months that I was truly emotionally alone. I finally had time to grow instead of focusing on more than just myself, which was something I didn’t know I would ever need.

But as time went by, I never escaped that feeling of stasis. My life was still going on, but it was almost like I wasn’t really living in it. At some point or another for a while, I wasn’t really sure how I should be thinking about things.

“Everything will work out for the best, I just have to wait until the end,” I kept repeating to myself.

Come May of 2020, I reached that end. I finally graduated college, said goodbye to my professors, and moved on from my education.

But nothing felt like it was over. I didn’t have any jobs lined up for me, didn’t have recommendations, in fact most didn’t – essentially, it was almost like I wasted two years.

I never really favored the thought of wanting to get a job in the music industry because I always wanted to be a leading artist – the one in the booth, not the one behind it; the one on stage, not the one functioning it.

“I won’t go,” “I can’t go,” “I don’t know.” The never-ending thought that this was the end of my growth continued to loom over me. Perhaps it was a result of my own inaction, but I never wanted to draw my conclusion to that.

Columbary; A shelter. A home.

I wanted a place where I felt it was okay to stay as I was. But the more I drew attention away from the need to change again, the more I circled back around to, “I won’t get anywhere if I don’t.” A place where I could stay forever. Never age, never change, just be… alive. That idea comes back to me every now and then.

But I eventually realized that I had to. If I didn’t change, change wouldn’t happen. I would be stuck at the bottom for as long as I lived.

In 2021, I changed. I finally saw myself getting more passionate about life and the things around me, becoming more aware of my emotions and the way I perceive the world. I broke free. Though I may not have gotten further with connections and meeting people, I was getting somewhere. I thought the world is worth it, no matter how buried I thought I was.

It felt like I was allowed to live again.

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lyrics

—

it's been too long, i'm wasting my time
i've been dreaming my way to who i've become
now i can't tell what the hell i used to be

just look inside my fragmented memories
and tell me why i've changed so fundamentally
as time goes by, and my life goes on
i'm watching from my columbary

'cause i won't go,
'cause i can't go,
'cause i don't know,
without you anymore,

"anymore..."

i need to change the way i've been
before the sanctified uncertainty
destroys my fruitless fantasy
so tell me why, before i cry
for the world i want to see
from my columbary